I Lost Myself

It’s 2018

It’s a new year and what possibly can go wrong?

Yes, everything is wrong in my life right now. I’m like a bunch of entangled cables. I am trying my very best to untie them but I get caught in the tangle along the way too. It’s been 2-3 years since I really talked anything about myself. I mean the true me. No mask nothing.

I started blogging in 2014 and at that time, my blog was like an online diary for people to kpo (nosey) about me. I love attention and I love to interact. Probably that’s the traits of a librian. I use to have a lot of friends surrounding me when I was in Primary school. But somehow, things change when I went to Secondary school. Classmates won’t as true as they were and I get people backstabbing me, so much so I didn’t want to go school every day. I became what teachers classified as being “rebellious”. I got a lot of issues with my teachers and even at that time the vice-principle even slapped me in public. I will remember that day when she confiscated all my belongings and leaving me no cash to go home. It made me hated school even more.

Every day in school was hell. I just wanted to get my O’levels and fk off from that school. And I did. Life was great. I met a guy and he taught me to play so many arcade games. At that time, he was my only friend and he gave me all his attention. I got a part-time job at Häagen-Dazs too. It was my first real job working with strangers. I learned a lot there while having a fair bit of dramas there. (And I do mean dramas)

I rested a year before I started poly, as my results were only fair, I retook 2 subjects to make my cert look nicer that time. LOL. But it doesn’t really matters, just my preference.

Poly, was good. I met a bunch of girl buddies and I enjoyed my school days. Off I went uni. And that was the time I started to be very active on the online platform. Where it showed me, I can reach out to potential readers who actually wanted to know my life. I didn’t have a lot to consider at that time, like privacy or what. I just post and share whatever I like and wrote whatever I had in mind.

From Uni in Aussie till back in Singapore working and handling relationships, my blog was the only channel I had to rant and to be my authentic self. Because of setbacks and issues in the past, I don’t open myself up to anyone, except my boyfriend. So I grew very reliant on my blog and of cause my boyfriend.

But, I am always out of love luck. Relationships always ended up nasty and abusive. And yes, physical abuse was involved in my 3 past relationships. And I never told anyone except for some hi, bye friends where you know they won’t be in your life for long. I don’t know was I jinxed or cursed, thus I started to distance away from the idea being in a relationship. After all those lies, dishonesty, backstabbing, abuse and yes, third party.
I was sick of it!

I flew to Cambodia

Leaving what was in Singapore behind. I just packed a luggage and flew to Cambodia to find my Dad. And I started working in his textile factory. From a 3 weeks stay, it grew to 3 months, 3 years and became 5 years. I had a hell of a time there. I transform from a lost sheep to a human actually. I learnt and experience so much, it can be written into a book series.

And yes, during this 5 years, there was a fair bit of drama. Quarrels and bad encounters. Some of you saw them on social media and some heard. It was the past. But yet I know deep inside, the one big bad encounter scarred me deeply. So deep till today I still have fear and nightmares that haunt me. I never talked about it to anyone. Except for a news reporter, my Dad (briefly) and I couldn’t remember which random friend of mine. The rest just knew the outline of it. I had to hide from the world what happened and go work as per normal and I have to run to and forth the police station, high court, Singapore Embassy and law firm to do statement after statement. Yes, it’s still a pending case but I strongly believe justification will be served one day. And whoever has done bad will have God’s punishment.

I met another guy on my 5th year in Cambodia. A guy who flew from Singapore to Cambodia just to meet me. Who gave me all his attention that time and ease my fear so that I could sleep soundly at night. Yes, I fell in love with him and I was very sure I want to spend my life with him. We had quarrels now and then and it broke my heart. I could feel that trust faded and scars were beginning to form. I told him I’ll come back Singapore to work things out. And I kept my promise and I stopped my alcohol addiction just to work things out.

1, 2, 3 years

We quarrelled every time. There were happy times but the quarrels and tears were just making the scale off balance. I started to distance away from him and the relationship. I started to think, is it me? Am I the problem? Seeing and looking at past relationship that didn’t work out. Having friends and family passing remarks that my expectations were too high. I start to self-doubt.

Worried Parents

My parents always wanted me to settle down and have my own family. As the years pass, I wasn’t getting younger. My worried Dad got me to seek religious help for my love luck. And yes, the median also told me “not to be so choosy”. I ask myself once more, am I the issue, that relationship after relationship didn’t work out is because of my character or what?

Falling ill

Because of this self-doubt overwhelming my head. I began to distance away from any relationships and my online space. I began becoming very very alone. I did not want to share anything with anyone. And yes, my boyfriend hates seeing what I post on social media and he thinks I am too outspoken and I have zero respect for people. And because of these, we quarrelled. Not forgetting those selfie-taking and food picture taking. He thinks I don’t respect his presence. I felt blamed. And to avoid all quarrels I ceased everything I liked.
To post, to share.

I stayed away from social media for a year and I lived my days bottling everything up. At that point, I was also suffering from insomnia. I couldn’t sleep and I ended up really in a mess when I came back Singapore. I just couldn’t adapt to living here. I fell sick and I visited the doctor every 2-3 weeks. My life wasn’t going anywhere. I felt terrible.

I didn’t work for 2 years after I came back to Singapore. And I just lived on my savings and occasional income from my blogging engagements. I lived every day very simplified. And I started to wonder if this the life I wanted. I wanted to get out of this mess, get a job and get a LIFE!

Back in my head, I needed support. I needed his support. I knew my mental state was very vulnerable that time. And I went to a psychiatrist for help. Boy! It was costly.
Did it help?
NO!
I got worse.

I started having very negative thoughts and I often sat on my window ledge and cried when I see the stars. Nothing scares me at all, even the sight of death. Things got very wrong one afternoon. And I ended up in IMH for a good 1 week.

I got Depression

Yes! Unbelievable but true. As much as it’s very embarrassing to admit but yes, I got depression. I did also suffer from OCD because I realised I kept repeating things when I’m stressed. And this was the point in life, I realised I was very mentally ill.

Telling 10 people around me, none believed I had depression. I was always happy and straightforward. My life was never on the minus side. Even I have little people to talk to, I still have my online readers that supported me. Because I disconnected myself to save a relationship to suit his criteria. I lost myself along the way.

I Wanted to Tell the World

Because of my sick state, the more I wanted to tell the world of my story. But there was this “being judged” inside me that I stepped back. I thought after this episode of my life my relationship would be stronger with him and he will understand my situation. But no… it didn’t. Every time a quarrel strikes, he will tell me not to use my mental stability issues as an excuse. I felt hurt. So hurt I wanted to walk away each time. Hopes and dreams were all being crushed to the ground whenever we quarrelled and I lose a part of me every time it happens.

He doesn’t understand my situation. He doesn’t understand my struggles. I wanted to scream. All I wanted is for him to understand and support me.

Every time I took a break from the relationship. My mind cleared up. My mental state stabilises. I can do what I want. And I got more engagements. I was happy. Even though deep down I wanted him to be part of it. But things get messed up again when he runs back into my life. I lost direction and those quarrels drive me crazy.

I left

Yes, on 1st Jan 2018, I texted him that I will leave and that’s how I ended this 3 years plus relationship.
I still love him, but I couldn’t meet up with his criteria.
It breaks my heart every time we quarrel and every time I had to part with him.

I struggled

I’m struggling so badly ever since that day. My mind is wild. The fear is there. I cannot stop it. And yet a part of me wants him so badly to appear downstairs my house to tell me he will walk me through this. But I know it won’t happen.

I fear his presence
I fear of any quarrels
I fear of breaking down
I fear he has another girl in his life
I fear I’ll never able to get through this
I fear I’ll never move on
I fear that I will never meet someone new
I fear so much I can’t list them down

Given me the choice, I’ll still choose to fall in love with him again and again.
I’ll leave it to fate for now.
I just hope GOD heals me and I can get on with my life.
I want to find back ME

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