It has been 4 months since I last penned down my thoughts. This little space used to be my RANT/SHARE Zone. A space I was Fearless and #Sparkjoy in my life.
Not that I fell apart with my passion, but I struggle so much with my inner self these days when I wanted to say something. The past still haunts me, the setbacks, the self-condemnation and the endless fear of not being “good enough”.
Yes, I FEAR
Fear of falling down
Fear of being compared
Fearing so much for so many reasons that I struggle to write
Starting just a paragraph or a sentence become so difficult these days. At times, everything is already prepared (images, title, contents) and yet I couldn’t bring myself to even write.
IN MY MIND:
– Who will read?
– Why bother?
– You are NOT unique
– Forget it!
I know it’s NOT NORMAL and I’m purely assuming things even before it happens. But what can I do? Besides medication, self-reminder, exercising, keeping busy, yet I still fall back again and again on all these thoughts.
At times, I feel so lousy. Lousy to the point I want to get out of Singapore and just live somewhere where I can start over. Somewhere no one knows me and I’m all by myself. Even talking to someone these days makes me guilty after I rant so much. I felt disgruntled.
I wonder at times
Am I too free? Letting my mind race round controlling me like this? or
Am I just stressing myself too much? or
I need just someone to be there to encourage me and back me up?
So much WHY, HOW and these and that. I end up not doing things I need to do. When my to-do-list becomes today, then tmr, then the next, then weeks and months. I felt even lousier.
Yes, I can travel, I can smile, I can eat, but deep down inside me, I felt just empty and shit. The more I wanted someone there to give me a PUSH, the more I felt I’m just intruding into their life.
As for now, I taking this STEP today, writing this small bit. And hope this will self-encourage me along the way to piecing my step back on track.